Lucy Grey: Gendernaut

It Never Fails.

I get like this every time I’m preparing for a trip home. Obsessing can’t be healthy—and yet, it feels like an unconscious validation, too. Grey is important to me. My family is important to me. It should only be natural to want to share her with them. And yet, all the signals I get from my kin indicate that maybe now isn’t the best time to drop the Grey Bomb. My siblings’ that’s-weird body language about my long hair and earrings…AND Mom and Dad’s discomfort with my painted toes and feminine clothing—they all point to incomprehension. My family notices the changes I’m affecting, but they don’t understand; they don’t see. It’s what’s kept me from revealing Grey all the other times I’ve considered it. As time goes on, though, Grey becomes more and more important in my life; sharing with family gets increasingly difficult without also involving her.

Months ago, I told my parents about these discoveries: that I didn’t fit in with the role society saddled me with, that I’m exploring other options. Mom and Dad didn’t understand and didn’t pursue it—behaving as they normally do when they’re not comfortable with something: ignoring the issue, hoping it’s just a phase, that with prayer, it will go away. It hasn’t gone away. Each time I go home, I break a few more gender rules and still they don’t want to discuss anything. It’s demoralizing; this state of limbo damages our relationship. My connections to Mom and Dad grow more tenuous as I delve further into uncharted territory. And it’s heart breaking. They’d love Grey, if they just gave her a chance.

This even affects communication with my parents. I don’t call them like I used to. I barely answer their emails. My behavior may seem to indicate otherwise, but I love my parents; I don’t want to keep them at such a distance.
It’s time to do something about this.

I’m going home this weekend. Prepared. I’m bringing Luna in one back pocket, IAmGrey in the other. And I’m going to force the issue. When I cross the threshold, if my sisters haven’t already spilled the beans, Mom and Dad will quickly discover my pierced ears. They’ll see how long my hair’s grown; they might notice how neatly trimmed my eyebrows are. Mom will give me trouble about my hair. She’ll ask me why in the world I pierced my ears. I’ll answer her truthfully: piercings hurt less than clip ons. She’ll look at me like I’m out of my mind and shake her head; hopefully, she’ll laugh too. I have no idea how Dad will react.

We’ll probably visit the beach Saturday morning—which will mean once again revealing my polished toenails, my shaved legs. Dad will take me aside and ask me to remove my nail polish before we leave the house—like last time. And like last time, I’ll refuse. If it’s warm enough, I’ll wear my swim trunks—which will reveal my shaved legs. No doubt my sisters will notice THAT and let the entire family know. It may be a traumatic experience. It may not be a good time for this. Actually, I don’t really think there will ever be a good time for this. But, I’d rather out this secret now than continue to let my relationship with home suffer.

Later, when we’re on the beach, I’ll ask Mom and Dad to go for a walk with me, just the three of us. Hopefully that’ll be encouragement enough to open a dialog about all of this. I’ll confess that dressing en femme is something I do to feel good. It’s something that has freed me to be the entire person I am. It’s fun. It’s subversive—and really, it’s pretty consistent with my sideways approach to life. I’ll tell them about Luna, explain that it’s a very important book to me, and that I think that having them read it might help them understand. I’ll mention my other books, and my involvement in TriEss. And, if they’re interested, I’ll mention IAmGrey. And pictures, if they’re interested. And that’s about as far as my planning will go. Knowing my parents…actually, I’m not sure what they’ll do after that. I’m sure it’ll make for an interesting story.

My only problem with this plan is that Dulcinea won’t be able to go home with me. She’s stuck at her restaurant job, unable to get time off for this. I know it breaks her heart that I’m doing this without her physically there as my flesh-and-blood supporter. It’s a hard decision, and if I had my way, she’d always be with me—but the deterioration of my home relationships must stop. Regardless of the outcome at home, she’ll be getting a phone call from me explaining everything when I’m done.

I pray everything goes well. I’m tired of this stalemate, of keeping Grey in the shadows. She deserves the light.

1 year ago62 notes
  1. unnomjuste reblogged this from cctcd and added:
    is hard and, yeah, there’s
  2. prettykinkythings said: Good luck, sending you some positive thoughts and energy.
  3. elleperez said: good luck, be strong, and put on an extra coat of nailpolish before you leave to see them.
  4. cctcd posted this