Lucy Grey: Gendernaut

Post!

Grey,

I’m new to tumblr, new to gender discourse and just in the last two or three months begun accepting that I’m not 100% cis-gendered male. I’m really interested in your blog because it seems like you identified that you enjoyed exploring femininity and before-you-know-it you’re out and interacting with the world en femme! I have a lot of questions, simply because I strongly identify with a large amount of your story that I’ve read so far. [Grey’s Note: Questions (and answers) have been moved below.]

Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate that you’ve shared your story, its put words to a few things that I’ve felt but so far haven’t been able to express.

Sincerely,
Sara

First off, welcome, Sarah! And thank you for your genuine interest and kind words! I love to hear back from people—it always knocks my colorful socks off to hear from such interesting people. :) And, to tell the truth, I’m always surprised to find I’ve made an impact on somebody else. This entire blog started off as just a way to record my thoughts and feelings as I explore uncharted territory. I never expected to have so many people following me—and your interest encourages me to continue sharing as I move ever onward. Thank you!

You’ve asked quite a few doozies, here, Sarah, and you’ve brought up a number of questions I haven’t really thought about before—so this should prove fun. :)

How smooth of a transition has this been, psychologically, for you? This one’s a hard one to answer; there’s not a good way for me to gauge how smoothly I’ve transitioned from…um…pre-awareness to enlightenment. I know that early on, I had a difficult time dealing with it. It brought me face to face with the idea that I didn’t fit in with what I’d always considered my role in life. I felt like my very identity was being shaken apart by forces inside me. There were a number of nights where I ended up crying in Dulcinea’s arms, worried that I was some kind of freak, or deviant, a threat to our relationship, a threat to my sanity. It scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Dulcinea and I worked through it. We had numerous talks, mistakes, disagreements, and misunderstandings, but through all of those experiences, we’ve both reached a point where we understand each other, and have come to accept this twist to our lives. Dulcinea is my single most important supporter in this adventure. Without her, none of this would have happened.

Looking back, are there any things that you would have liked to know before delving in? I view all this “gender fuckery” as a sort of journey whose final destination isn’t necessarily significant. The important things are what I’m learning and experiencing along the way. To me, the moment I began learning about all this, I took my first steps on the trail leading into the Gender Mountain Range. In a sense, then, there is no ‘before’; every nugget learned is a precious moment to be savored. Wishing I’d known more about things before I started is kind of like cheating. With that said, understanding women’s clothes sizing is proving to be an expensive lesson to learn.

When you ‘feel feminine,’ what is that emotional experience like for you? What about when you project as male? Feeling feminine, at least the way I use the term, is kind of a misnomer. It’s not as if I feel things differently while en femme; I’m just as susceptible to my emotions when en homme as when en femme. For me, feeling feminine is more about allowing myself to express my full range of emotions without filtering them—emoting however I want, without letting that male stoicism I was raised with interfere. Raised as a man, society taught me to be stoic, to stifle things that were unseemly in a stereotypical man, to quash wishy washy feelings. Realizing my gender androgyny changed things for me. To reject that stereotypical macho crap is liberating; it allows me to step outside that straitjacket and fully be the person I feel inside. This applies both while en femme and en homme. When I project as male, I’m much more aware of that male stereotype, and though I conform to most of those masculine guidelines, I don’t feel like they’re suffocating me; I can pick and choose which ones I want to obey.

What resources/media/literature are you reading as you imbibe more gender information?

Do you wear a wig? Sometimes I do. I have yet to find a wig I really really like, though—so more often than not, I just go out without it. My hair is FINALLY long enough to look somewhat feminine, if styled right.

Do you wear makeup when projecting as male? So far, not on purpose. I’ve considered it, but haven’t bothered yet. I’m trying to move my everyday presentation to something a bit more neutral, androgynous, regardless of whether I’m wearing fake boobies. So, makeup while en homme isn’t out of the question.

How do you experience male privilege now that you don’t identify as completely cis-gendered? Whoo—this is another difficult one. I’m almost afraid to answer it. Privilege, besides being an ornery word to spell, is a murky morass. It scares me because I don’t understand it very well, and I know there are quite a few people out there sensitive to it. I confess, I’d only come to realize my privilege within the past year and a half or so and it’s still difficult for me to see or recognize a situation as privileged or not. I’d say that I haven’t really noticed a change in my perceptions of male privilege, per se. Rather, I’ve become aware a cisgendered, cissexual privilege pervading the world. I see it in all the stereotypes constantly battered into us by our social world. The television, movies, comedians, even boardgames and people around me spout off the most heteronormative / cisnormative crap without even thinking there are other perspectives to be considered. It’s a bit alienating. When we’re out, Dulcinea and I make a point to engage in some casual pda, especially when I’m en femme. It’s a sort of quiet, passive way to say, “We are here, we are proud of this, we are not going away.” And I’ve found that I’m a bit more open minded and sensitive to how I may come across to other people, while en homme.

You wrote somewhere that you have taken on different mannerisms since coming into your gender awareness; what do you mean, and how does that come up most often for you? This ties back to my answer about feeling feminine and how I am when I project as male. My mannerisms are tied into how I emote, and realizing my gender androgyny, somehow, has made it okay for me to be a bit more expressive than I would otherwise, and perhaps use a bit more feminine mannerisms re: hand and head movements/positioning and facial expressions.

Do you ever project as part-masculine, part-feminine, or does your projection go between (for lack of a better term, I don’t know the word I’m looking for) male/female? It sounds like you’re referring to genderfuck versus simple androgyny. Genderfucking would be a lot of fun, but I have yet to engage in it publicly. Androgynous presentation is a goal I’m striving for, and I’m just recently starting to feel as if I’m coming into it. Mostly, my presentation ranges anywhere between macho-masculine to effeminate/questionable-masculine to tomboyish-feminine to femme-feminine. Sadly, most of my daily presentation is determined by how much time I have to get ready. And who I’ll be with. I’m not out to everybody, and though my goal is to eventually dress however I want whenever I want, I need to strive strategically towards it.

Whoo, that was a lot of fun. It got me thinking about some things I had never seriously considered before. Thank you, Sarah. I hope my answers satisfied your curiosity—and if not, please feel free to ask further! :)

1 year ago60 notes
  1. cctcd posted this