"You've got to be careful,"

“You’ve got to be careful,”

Leo said, hugging me from behind. I was out in guy mode, celebrating a friend’s birthday at Willy’s Trivia Night. I’d just gotten my veggie burrito bowl and was filling my drink when he hugged/intercepted me. “With those earrings, and your hair, if you grow your hair out any longer, you’ll look like a girl,” he said into my back. I spilled my root beer all over the drink dispenser. I was not out to this group of friends. In fact, I hadn’t seen most of these people since the end of summer—and Leo’s comment made me realize that a lot has changed in me since then.

I looked around, feeling like a bit of an anomaly. All the guys in the restaurant were attired like I used to dress. And in the midst of all of these people who only knew me as Greg, that grumpy old guy who sang with the Glee Club, was me: the sore thumb that had been used to finger paint Starry Night. I was wearing slim corduroy pants, a tight t-shirt with a colorful blouse overshirt, necklace, bracelet, rings, long hair, and earrings. I found myself in the awkward position of not fitting into the role my friends had come to expect from me. It was disconcerting. It was liberating.

It was proof that I’ve made progress. I’m moving my outward appearance closer to matching my inward appearance, and others are taking notice. Most of my friends that night commented on my earrings and long hair but they didn’t ask for any explanation as to why; nobody seemed interested in asking about that. Some, like Leo, thought it was a good change. Others felt differently, and though they were perhaps too polite to say so to my face, it was pretty evident that I made them uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable too—for a moment; and then I came back to my senses and realized I had nothing to feel uncomfortable about. This was as close to being the genuine me as I’ve ever been around these people; that’s nothing to apologize for or be uneasy about. If people have an issue, it’s on their end, not mine.

With that thought bolstering my confidence and Leo’s unintended compliment echoing in my ears, I had a great evening. Being me.

androgyny