Be careful what you look for, sweetie.

Usually, I try to be pretty low-key when I’m dressed. I’m not out looking for attention; it isn’t about that. It’s about being able to do the things I want while dressed how I want. It’s about how I feel, not how others feel. This is what I’ve come to understand in the short time I’ve spent dressing and being out.

When I first started going out en femme, I felt a little different. I was painfully, acutely aware of people’s attention and wanted to just go about my business without putting a blip on people’s strangeness radars. But any lingering glance would send my heart into high gear.I’d be sitting at a restaurant, en femme, enjoying myself, and then a glance, askance, one that lasted just a little too long, would ruin my outing. That moth-touch of another’s gaze would send my electric pet butterflies into a frenzy. And, as much as I try to hide them, I’m kind of an open book when it comes to my emotions. Nervousness written across my face in huge, neon, metaphorical letters kind of ruins any sort of social stealth I’d tried to set up around myself.

Those were the early days; I hadn’t developed a thick skin yet, and looking back, I’m amazed at how vulnerable I was. I’ve grown a lot since then—I’m more confident, I have more poise, I feel more me while en femme than ever before. I can let more of my core personality out while Grey. This is great progress, but while confidence goes a long way for me internally, it does very little to cut down on the attention I attract.

Dulcinea, bless her, can be a bit protective of me when I’m out as Grey. I love being out with her, but I think it sometimes puts her on edge when we’re not in a known safe place. I think she gets a little hyper vigilant when she’s with me, kind of looking for possible trouble. I’ve caught her glaring at anybody who looks in my direction for too long—like she’s daring them to say something. This kind of surprised me—I’d never seen that behavior in Dulcinea before we figured out Grey. I appreciate it, and in a weird way, I’m kind of flattered that she’s so protective of me.

In contrast, I’ve found myself paying less attention to those outside my immediate focus. Passersby tend to stay off my radar when I’m out—I’m having too much fun interacting with my friends to notice. When I do find somebody inappropriately staring, I usually just flash them a smile and move on. Often, things can be left at that. Sometimes, though, people don’t quite take the hint that they’re being rude—then, I smile, wink, extend my neck, and rub my Adam’s Apple. As if to say, Be careful what you look for, sweetie. You may find it.