Lucy Grey: Gendernaut

yukib1t:

I have seen allies torn to shreds over a simple misstep or slip of the tongue. I have seen allies dismissed out of hand because they asked a simple question, made an innocent assumption, or misunderstood what someone was talking about. I have seen them belittled or mocked for not knowing everything there is to know about one person’s trans experience (because not everyone’s experience is the same). This is unfortunate, because allies don’t have to stick around.

They can decide that the support they have to offer is not worth the grief they have to take for making a simple mistake or for trying to learn more. And they can let other people know, as well. So the minor offense has now turned into a pretty big deal for an ally who, in most cases, has other things to do with his or her time.

I think I’m with Matt here.

There’s a difference between willfully abusing, disrespecting, and belittling an ally who messed up, and directly addressing the person’s screw up. The first approach is disrespectful and unproductive. The other approach can seem harsh sometimes, but it gets the job done.

I’d also like to point out that an “ally” who doesn’t “stick around” after being called out has been mislabeled. If that person was an “ally” solely because they wanted trans* people to give them cookies and pats on the back, they’ve misunderstood the definition of an “ally.” Sadly, they never were one. People who “stick up for us” because they think we’ll reward them are either chasers or abusive manipulators and emotional mercenaries.

An ally is a person who stands up for the rights of marginalized and oppressed people, not because they’ll get some reward from the marginalized and oppressed people, but because it is the right thing to do. 

Willfully abusing, belittling, and mocking a person just because they’ve messed up is unacceptable. Full stop. But I won’t hold back the blunt truth of why something is problematic and unacceptable when I’m addressing an ally’s screw up.

As a personal note, I prefer friends over allies. Somebody who calls themself an ally of mine and not a friend of mine is somebody I don’t trust.