Lucy Grey: Gendernaut

Most of the weekend, Dulcinea and I spent with friends in Nashville. They’re very conservatively Christian, and have no idea about my situation. They’re also incredibly nice, friendly people; I get the sense that even if I were to tell them, they’d probably just go, “huh, that’s…interesting.” and go on with their lives. They’re not the judgmental type, but even still, I worry about their reactions. Actually, I did go around barefoot in their company, completely forgetting that I had nail polish on my toes. Nobody said anything if they noticed—which is a little disappointing to me. I think I’d prefer to deal with questions asked to me directly, over silent internal musings and possible misperceptions. Ah, well. We ended our visit reluctant to leave, but happy with how well the weekend went.

Yesterday was a day of recuperation from the rest of the weekend. Except for the evening. Dulcinea and I got dressed up for a small party over at our friend’s place—the same place I had my coming out party. Of course, it’s Halloween, and I had no real costume—so…I got dolled up and wore the Little Black Dress. I was never so conscious of how short that dress was until last night. Holy crap!

Since I came out to Bud, one of my room mates, I’ve been a bit more bold in dressing outside of my room. Usually, it’s not a full blown outfit, not even with any padding, just toenails and jewelry, and some women’s shirts. I’ve also felt a lot more comfortable doing my makeup in our communal bathroom, which is a hell of a lot easier than trying to do my makeup in a small mirror in my room. I’ve been lucky in that so far, only the room mate I’m out to has witnessed any of this. Sarek, the room mate I’m not out to, has noticed some things, especially my nail polish, and commented on them, but I’m not sure he’s put two and two together yet. I don’t particularly like Sarek, so I don’t feel obliged to tell him anything about this.

Last night, though, I was just finishing some last touch-ups to my makeup, just about ready to leave for the party with Dulcinea, when Sarek and his girlfriend walked into the apartment. We encountered each other in the hallway, and after a second of staring at me up and down, he burst out laughing. In my face. I wasn’t quite sure how to take his reaction, so I just lightly smiled. He said, after he finished laughing “Okay, you’ve got to tell me what party you’re going to.” I responded with a curt, “Oh, just a little get together,” waiting for the inevitable “Why are you dressed like that?” question. Which Sarek dutifully, laughingly asked, and which I answered, “I have no other costume, so I thought I’d go like this.” True, and yet, not the whole truth. His blatant laughter wasn’t exactly welcome, and I didn’t feel particularly encouraged to tell him anything else. Sarek looked me up and down again, and then said, “Well, [G], you’re hot,” and he and his girlfriend went into their room, snickering.

Dulcinea was taking some extra time, dressing in a tomboyish outfit to counter my decidedly feminine look, so I joined Bud and his boyfriend on the couch, watching Star Trek Voyager. Sarek, who couldn’t seem to get enough of my outfit, joined us. Except he watched me and not the television. I was worried he’d try looking up my dress. He asked Dulcinea, “What are you going as?” She answered, “Oh, I’m just dressing nicely,” and came out looking really cute in her tomboy outfit. My girlfriend looks awesome in a t-shirt and blazer. I don’t think Sarek understood what we were doing. He said, “You don’t have a costume, but you’re letting him,” indicating me, “go in that?” Sigh. There are so. MANY. THINGS. WRONGWITHTHATSTATEMENT. Dulcinea and I shared a look, agreeing telepathically that moving out was becoming a priority, and just nodded. The entire interaction with Sarek threatened to put me out for the night, but just as we were leaving, Bud called out, “Have fun at the party, ladies!” I smiled, waved at him, and walked out the door with Sarek watching my rear disappear up the stairs. Bud’s comment, despite Sarek’s rude attention, got my night back on track. And I did have a wonderful rest-of-the-night.

Um. This incident with Sarek really bothers me, now. At the time, I tried to shrug it off and move on. But now, looking back, I’m rankled a little bit. I’m partly worried that I invited such comments by dressing so provocatively, and in such a fashion as Sarek has not witnessed before. At the same time, however, I’m outraged that Sarek was so blatantly amused by my outfit, which was not a costume. I mean, this is the first time that he’s caught me dressed. Part of me hopes he just writes it off as a funny Halloween jaunt—so when I dress again, I can genderslap him in the face. Argh. I know I brought this all on myself, by dressing en femme for Halloween, and letting somebody outside of the know see me, but…gosh, dressing is so important to me, I hate that it’s being treated so flippantly by others, like it’s some kind of joke.

Then again, it really helps that I have understanding friends like Bud. They help me combat the others’ misunderstanding and meanness.

Okay, that’s enough ranting from me.