Whew

I made it through the day. There were some tense moments here and there, but I’m still here, still inside my nice little closet—though not without a little knocking on the door by my family.

Mom hates my hair. Dad and the rest of the family make sexist, heteronormative, and cis-normative jokes without realizing it. I managed to avoid any embarrassing and awkward questions about my short leg hair by wearing pants to the beach. I flew my kite today for the first time in months. My heart soared with the kite as it sailed on the winds over the ocean.

Dad made some disparaging remarks about a few mannerisms I may or may not have developed since discovering my femme. I wonder to myself what those remarks are supposed to accomplish. Make a simple comment? Start a conversation? Get me to stop acting that way? Offend the snot out of me and frustrate me at the same time?

I talked with my brother and sisters about life, and parents, and how they’re so old fashioned and set in their misconceptions, and yet we still love them because they’re our parents. I felt compulsions to tell my siblings about me. I didn’t. But I want to. We talked about how much we love our family discussions about words and non-words, music and bodily functions, art and expression. I marveled at how open and flexible and intriguing my family can be on so many things, and yet be so close-minded on others.

I realized that home isn’t the completely welcoming place it used to be. Not since finding Grey. I miss Dulcinea. I miss how safe she makes me feel. How she accepts me. All of me.

I want to go home.

whew