Lucy Grey: Gendernaut

(Continued from here)

I felt like a fish out of water, mouth open, gaping. I didn’t know what I wanted. I certainly wanted more than what Dulcinea thought. I wanted…love? After struggling with my thoughts, and a number of aborted explanations, I confessed. My face buried in a pillow, I muffled that I wanted to know what it felt like to be a girl. Dulcinea rolled me over and I continued. There was always a part of me wanting to experience life femininely. I felt like there was more to me than what anybody else has seen.

I said something to the effect of, “When I’m out, interacting with the real world, it’s like I’m wearing layers and layers of clothing—to protect myself from the social weather. I’m emotionally more detached, armored, careful. I make myself wear the clothes society expects of me, and have grown used to wearing them. When I’m with you, Dulcinea, I wear much less clothing. You see more of the real me, and I’ve grown very comfortable with that, too. But I’m still wearing men’s clothing. You see me as a man, I present as a man. Part of me wants to see what it’s like to wear women’s clothing, to present as a woman. To love like a woman.”

She asked if it was a different person, my female counterpart. I don’t think so. It’s still me, who I feel inside, but I’m passing myself through a femme filter instead of a male one. It’s like a modulation of me. Details and style may change, but the central theme is still there. When I’m en femme, I want the world to experience me as female, and I want to experience the world as a female. It’s not just about being submissive or having things in my butt.

Dulcinea was really happy with these revelations, I think. I was too. I’m more certain about myself and who I am, now. Dulcinea is excited to explore with me, I think, and having this more clearly defined for us makes it easier to initiate. Satisfied, we went to bed. But just before I drifted to sleep, Dulcinea whispered in my ear, “Darling, I love you. Thank you for sharing this with me. Also…I think you may be androgynous.” And fell asleep.

I have yet to do any really in-depth research regarding gender androgyny, but it’s clear to me now, this is about more than just curiosity.